Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
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