i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Damn victory sex feels great
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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