...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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