last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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