It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
