I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I am midnight drunk by noon
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Randomize
