How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
