My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
