Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
