Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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