Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
