so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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