apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
