i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Randomize
