If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
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