well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
