Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
