At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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