what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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