The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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