she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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