how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
