everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
