Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
40s are totally the cure
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
