I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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