she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Randomize
