i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Randomize
