I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Randomize
