At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
