I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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