He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
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