Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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