I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
