do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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