If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Randomize
