i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
