my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
