i think my mom watched the whole time
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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