I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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