i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
