My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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