I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize