there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
My vagina is officially offended.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize