Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
