it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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