The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
3 2 1 whiskey
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
