sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
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