You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize