How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
So vagazzling was a success
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
