my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
