I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
