I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
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