if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
