dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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