3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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