I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
