if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
