i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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