This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
