doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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