i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
