Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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